it is 12:37 am and the clock is ticking away.
you have just tucked yourself in bed, with your head resting on the pillow, your arms hugging the bolster that you have had since childhood, and your blanklet covering up to your chin. you double check the alarm clock to make sure that you had set it correctly at 6:30 am the next morning, and subsequently, you close your eyes and shut down your brain - a gesture that awaits and welcomes the break of the dawn.
it is 2:15 am and the clock is ticking away.
you are still lying on your back, face up. your body is physically drained but your mind just refuses to cooperate. you look at the time and calculate that you only have exactly four more hours and fifteen more minutes to catch some sleep. you toss and turn, hoping to find a comfortable position but the futile attempt only makes you more restless. you peered at the clock again. four more hours.
it is 3:52 am.
you heart starts to palpitate, your mind starts to panick and you start breaking into perspiration. you fling the blanklet aside and sit up on the bed in frustration. the room is so quiet that all you can hear is the sound of your own breathing and the alarm clock ticking away. you feel a shroud of hopelessness over you. you realise that you cannot always be in control of everything, not this time at least.
you sigh, as you lie back on the bed in resignation.
--
finally, ive becomed somewhat more excited about my upcoming university life.
i am very resistant to change because they are detrimental to my self-confidence. all changes are bad, especially if it involves getting out of my comfort zone, out of my circle of friends and out to a whole new environment. however, it has been very comforting to see so many familiar faces in the campus, and its definitely good to know that so many people have been very warm and accommodating even though i havent been exactly sociable. hence i think its time for me to crawl out of the cocoon, to stop hiding behind closed doors, and to embrace the changes to come.
right now, im watching my life unfold, with much apprehension and anticipation.
--
i have been down with cold for days. my brain has been dormant from all the coughing and sneezing, and besides, i havent been getting much inspiration from lying in bed either.
and yesterday afternoon, my only existing grandparent - my maternal grandmother had just passed away. (not a very good time for this to be happening if you ask me.) hence ill be spending even more time away from my computer.
when i return, hopefully i would have recovered, and hopefully, i would have something more substantial to write about. till then, i hope everyone stays healthy. :)
--
it feels good to be home again, after a four-day camp at nus.
speaking of camps, its been more than two years since i last went fer a camp as a camper. ive always preferred being the camp facilitator because that means that i get to be in control of the camp schedule, i get to throw the waterbombs and flour at the campers, and i get to sleep in either the air-conditioned rooms or the first floor instead of the fourth. it may be more tiring, but its definitely more fulfilling.
sometimes, i hate meeting new people because that always means that i will, in due course, neglect some of my old friends.
premonitions aside, i have plenty of emails to read, plenty of spam to delete and plenty of blogs to catch up with right now.
--
last week, i shoved aside my dilemma, and returned to a place where i used to seek solace, strength and support. for every aspect that i had missed about the place, i could justify it with another reason why i was relieved to have abandoned it. it was like one huge black hole that sucked everything that entered its premises, and you become so absorbed and lost in the world of it. the magnitude of its gravity was so overwhelming that it took me all the determination i had to defy it. i had run towards the vacuum ahead of me and lain low for months before i could pluck up the courage to revisit the past again.
only this time round, i was much more level-headed to not let myself be manipulated again.
--
have you ever stumbled upon a stranger's blog by chance, and after reading a couple of entries, you feel this inexplicable connection with the author. perhaps you were impressed by the author's insights towards certain issues in life. perhaps the author was able to put into words what you have always felt but couldnt articulate. youre dying to share with the author some of your reflections, or just to tell him/her how he/she had completely won over your heart with that incredibly witty post. unable to contain your awe and admiration, you hurriedly click on the comments column, only to hesitate after typing in your name and your email. you are at a loss of words. youre afraid that what youre about to write in the textarea wouldnt be of equivalence to the intellect of the author. your self confidence collapses, your grasp of the language is put into question. five minutes of cracking your brains, and all you managed to do is to type and retype the word 'hello'. and finally after contemplating for another ten minutes, you decide to bookmark the page, delete the few pathetic alphabets, and exit the site.
next time maybe, you think to yourself.
--
i eat an apple a day, not to keep the doctor away of cos. because after all, my best friend is on her way to becoming one in the future. i eat apples because i like them. they satisfy my hunger whenever my stomach starts to growl late at night. this reminds me of one particular incident which left a deep imprint on my mind even after a decade:
one fine afternoon in the ninth year of my life, i was searching in the fruits compartment of the refrigerator for a little snack. spotting a plastic bag full of red apples that looked enormously appetising, i dug my hands into the bag to pick one randomly. after rinsing the apple under the running tap, i opened my mouth to take one huge bite into it. no doubt the apple was very crunchy, but the moment my teeth sank into the skin of the apple, my instincts as a child could already sense that something wasnt quite right. so when my face was far enough from the apple to see whats so different about it, my jaw dropped and my eyes widened to almost the size of my bite.
the apple was brown on the inside, its core seemingly black, and there i had a rotten apple half eaten.
that didnt deter me from eating apples, though i did refrain from them for a while. thereafter, i
always make sure i cut my apples into half to dig out the core before consuming it.
thats not the only lesson i learnt from it. i also experienced what it meant not to judge the book by its cover, nor an apple by its smooth red polished skin.
--
sometimes, i really like being at home.
i can yawn without covering my mouth; i can speak to myself without getting all the weird stares (i dont do that all the time of cos); i even can wear t-shirts with 'the incredibles' or 'finding nemo' prints without people commenting on my dress sense; i can poo comfortably in the toilet without feeling embarrassed about the smell; i can sing aloud or hum a tune to myself with the walls as my audience. furthermore, i can multi-task very well at home - sometimes i can be watching television, making a birthday card and having my lunch all at the same time.
i simply adore spending a day at home, where im close to my bed, my computer, my bathroom, and my fridge. :)
--
i felt the gentle splash of the raindrops landing on my scalp, soaking up the roots of my hair and drenching the tips of my black curls. soon, they began to grow heavier, beyond the carrying capacity of every strand and lock, and finally rolled along the contours of my face down to my chin. they accumulated in strength and consolidated on my skin like stalactites, all ready to fall for the second time. and as they descended, i felt their pain as they hit the concrete pavement on the ground, bringing an abrupt end to their journey.
they lied scattered and still. they looked lonely.
i think they missed their home. they must be waiitng patiently for the calamity to stop and the sun to resume after its break, just so that they can rise to the clouds once again.
--
